Another Heart Calls
by uselessid90
Summary: The tale of an affair gone horribly right. What happens when you're already married and you meet the person you were meant to be with? This choice will make or break Edward Cullen. Rated M for lemons and bad language.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: So I have like 5 bajillion stories in my brain right now, and I just need to get them out so I can actually write Tattoos and Sex Addictions. So yeah, here it is. Love it or hate it. Lemme know.

Edward

I grunted against the tile of the shower wall as my release spilled into the drain. I rested my forehead against my forearm and let the water wash away the emptiness that was my life. Most would probably say that I have it made, that my life is utter perfection. I beg to differ.

Perfection doesn't come in the form of long hours at work, in a distant wife, in an empty house.

My wife is Tanya De-fucking-nali. She didn't even want my last name, wanted to "be her own person". Whatever the fuck that means.

I shut the water off and stepped out onto the rug. I ran the towel over my skin and then over my hair. I stared in the mirror like I'd been doing often lately, wondering why I chose this for my life. Why I chose to live this way every single day. Why I chose to be miserable.

I dressed quickly and poured myself a cold cup of coffee, she didn't even bother to keep it warm anymore. After I finished I rinsed the cup and put it back in the cupboard just how she likes it.

Nothing ever out of place.

I drove to my office building and park in the space that read CEO. CE-fucking-O. And she wouldn't even take my last name.

I shook my head and walked into the building, giving Irina a casual wave hello. I settled in my office and began reading all my new emails.

Two from Jasper regarding a meeting we have scheduled for next week. A raunchy email from Emmett. Eleven business related emails from various people in the company. And one from Tanya with our plans for the upcoming weekend.

Friday would be dinner with her parents, Saturday was the ballet, and Sunday was free time for myself. Free time for my-fucking-self.

I took a deep breath and sent her back a generic reply, wanting nothing more than to tell her that all of my time was for myself.

I spent the rest of the day in meetings and going through paperwork, by the time seven o'clock came around I was exhausted and ready for a stiff drink. I drove home the long way, told myself it was for the scenery.

I got home at exactly seven thirty and she was already standing in the doorway, hand on hip. Her hair flowed freely around her shoulders, her work clothes still present on her body. I ran my eyes up and down her body, wanting to feel that shred of passion I felt when we got married. Nothing, absolutely nothing.

I pressed a kiss to her cheek and went straight for the kitchen. I poured myself a glass of wine and glanced around, hoping for dinner or at the very least a sandwich. Nothing. I took a long drink of my wine and started rummaging through cupboards, looking for something, for anything to eat.

After fifteen minutes of me searching and her watching I announced that I would be ordering take out. She wrote down what she wanted and walked away. I heard the bedroom door close a few moments later and finally pulled my phone out to call the Chinese restaurant around the corner.

I gave them my credit card number and finished off the rest of my wine, pouring another glass immediately. I finally looked around the house and saw that she already had a wine glass sitting out in the living room. Judging by the amount of wine already gone from the bottle, she'd probably already had at least three. Which means she's probably feeling slightly buzzed, which mean I might actually get to touch her tonight.

I sat down on the sofa and turned the tv on, opting to watch the basketball game that was on. I couldn't even pay attention to what was going on, my mind constantly going off into this platonic state. I'd stare at the screen so long my eyes would start hurting, but I wouldn't be able to look away.

The doorbell rang and I got up to get the food, she met me halfway to the door and we did this awkward dance around each other. It was like she was a stranger or something.

She finally conceded and let me answer the door. I took the bag of food from the man and closed the door behind me. I could hear her going through the cupboards, getting out plates. I walked into the kitchen and set the bag on the counter, removed eat of the boxes of food.

I served my own plate and sat by myself at the kitchen table. She made her plate and walked off into the living room. I heard the tv change channels and knew that tonight would be just like every other night. Nothing different, absolutely nothing.

I finished dinner and tried playing my piano, but couldn't focus enough to get through one whole song. I gave up after an hour and a half of trying and headed up the stairs. The bedroom door was closed when I got upstairs. I silently opened it and walked to the closet. I removed my clothing quietly, opting to sleep in nothing but my briefs.

I slid into the bed gently, trying not to wake her. It would definitely be a fight if I woke her up. I scooted closer to her and draped my arm over her waist, hoping that tonight she would at least let me hold her.

She mumbled in her sleep and moved away from my body. Moved away from my fucking body. I removed my arm from her waist and closed my eyes to go to sleep. She wouldn't even take my last name.

The rest of the week passed in an awkward blur. My days continued like they always did.

Wake up. Shower. Jerk off. Go to work. Drive home the long way. Eat greasy food. Drink. Watch tv. Drink some more. Go to sleep.

They all blurred together like some fucked up tv show, I couldn't tell what was real and what was in my mind. I felt myself starting to go insane. I had to do something and quick.

Friday came and I spent the whole day at work trying to come up with an excuse as to why I couldn't go to her parent's for dinner. I definitely couldn't say I was sick, I never get sick. I definitely couldn't say I had something to do for work, she knew I never worked past seven o'clock. By the end of the day I had a very long list of far-out excuses that would get me nowhere but in the doghouse.

I finally just decided that I would tell her the truth, I just needed some time to relax. Alone.

I got home at exactly seven thirty. She stood in the doorway as usual, hand on hip. I had to be the one to make things different, because she never would.

"Tanya...I, uh, I'm not going to your parents tonight." I waited for some sort of freakout. For her expression to shift to anger or confusion or hurt or _something. _Nothing, absolutely nothing.

"Okay." That's all she said, okay. She slipped her purse on her shoulder and walked out the door. Not even a goodbye.

That night, I drank myself to sleep. I passed out on the sofa with the tv on.

I woke up the next morning feeling worse than I ever had, nothing could stop my head from pounding. I spent the entire day just trying to feel better for the ballet, to make this a good night for her.

I wish I would've known back then. I wish I would've known what would come of that night for my marriage. Maybe I could have changed everything, maybe I could have made things work.

But I was caught in the moment, and everything hit me at once. And I just couldn't anymore...couldn't pretend to be happy in a situation that no one could be happy in...


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Thank you to everyone who read and reviewed the first chapter, I'm glad to know that someone else actually likes this idea:) **

**My amazing beta Madi makes this readable for all of you, even in her very pregnant state. Love you girl. **

**Disclaimer: I own absolutely nothing. **

**Edward**

Imagine marrying a beautiful girl, falling in love with said girl. Imagine being with the same person you lost your virginity to, the same person since high school.

I'd never known anything other than Tanya, and she never knew anyone other than me. I was her first everything, and she was mine.

I couldn't remember the last time I was invited out alone, without her. I don't know when we morphed into this, this thing. This thing where we can't go anywhere without each other or people ask questions. Instead of just saying Edward people say Edward and Tanya.

It's like two tree roots wrapped so far around each other that they'll never get out in one piece. One of us is going to break, it's just a matter of time.

I arranged everything for the ballet on Friday, even ordered a limo to pick us up from the house. I wanted it to be special, I needed it to be.

We visit the ballet often, at least once every three months. She loves it, her eyes light up like a child on Christmas morning. They light up the way I haven't seen them light up in years.

I glance at my watch and realize I'm running late. I jump up from my chair and grab my things before heading out the door.

My foot pushes hard against the gas pedal as I race through town trying to get home in time. We had a three and a half hour drive to Seattle, plus dinner and getting to our seats before it starts. I definitely needed to put my ass in gear.

I arrived home ten minutes later than usual. I immediately ran for the shower, not even stopping to see if she was home yet. By the time I was coming down the stairs she was waiting in the living room, silently flipping through a magazine.

She stood when she realized I had entered the room.

"You look lovely." I placed my usual kiss on her forehead.

"Thank you." Her smile was dim.

"Are you ready to go? The driver just called and said he was out front." She nodded her head and grabbed her tiny purse from the coffee table.

She placed her hand in mine and we walked out together, the picture of a happy couple.

The limo drive was silent, similar to the way dinner went.

The only time we spoke was to refill our wine glasses. I ate silently and prayed that she would brighten up once we got there.

We were seated immediately, and the show began promptly at seven thirty.

I watched as her eyes danced back and forth across the stage, bright with excitment. It was probably the only moment of happiness she'd had all week.

I finally looked back to the stage and watched as the dancers moved gracefully with each other. The lifts were flawless, the spins were perfection, the entire thing should have been incredible.

I just couldn't get into it. I was distracted by people moving around me, by the quiet whispers back and forth.

The way the dancers moved intrigued me though, the way they could bend their bodies in ways I'd never seen before. I cringed at the idea of raising my leg above my head like some of the male dancers had been doing. It truly was an amazing talent to have.

I tried to understand the story being told but couldn't keep track of what was going on. At one point I was certain it was a love story, but I couldn't be certain. I gave up trying after ten minutes of internal debating.

Then I saw her.

_Her. _

I'd never noticed her before, never spotted her figure amongst the other dancers. I eventually concluded that she was new.

My eyes followed her across the stage, intrigued by every move she made, even the small ones.

It wasn't just her beautiful face or her graceful movements. Something about her just called to me. Like a moth to the flame, I couldn't look away.

Her body twirled and leaped across the stage, the movements delicate but strong. It was like watching an angel, the entire show seemed to center around her. For me, at least.

Her flexibility was astounding and I couldn't help but adjust myself in my seat. I could feel the stirring in my pants and knew I'd need to relieve myself tonight.

A heavy sigh left my mouth when I realized I probably wouldn't be touching anyone but myself tonight.

The show ended all too quickly and the curtain closed on the dancers. It reopened a moment later and they were lined up together. They bowed together, wide smiles and bright eyes covering the stage.

The curtain closed once again and the dim lights became brighter. People jostled around me, getting up from the seats and finding the exit.

I stayed seated for a few minutes longer than the rest the avoid the rush. Tanya sat silently beside me, never even glancing my way.

I glanced over at her and placed my hand on top of hers.

"Ready to go?"

She nodded her head and followed me out of the theater.

The limo ride home was silent again.

There was no quiet smiles or hand holding. Just two adults who grew tired of each other all to quickly.

My thoughts drifted back to the beautiful girl who danced across the stage. The way she moved captivated my thoughts for the majority of the ride.

I knew I shouldn't be thinking about her like this. I shouldn't have given her a second thought to begin with.

I started thinking about ways I could sneak to Seattle to see her.

The limo coming to a stop pulled me from my thoughts. I helped her out like I always did and kept my hand on the small of her back as we walked.

She stripped herself of her jewelery, even removing her wedding ring before she slipped into her nightgown.

I stared at her as she undressed, hoping to feel something for her again, for some sign from above that my thoughts about that beautiful ballerina were wrong.

Nothing, there was nothing. Not a twitch in my pants, not a butterfly in my stomach, not a flutter from my heart.

The energy between us was flat, completely void of anything we had once felt for each other.

**A/N:** **I know this is another short one, they'll be pretty short until Bella makes her appearance. I'm dying to know what you think, I know this type of fic isn't for everyone. **


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: more at the bottom...**

**Madi. You know the drill. Love you. **

**Disclaimer: I own zip, got it? **

**EPOV**

My mind raced all week, trying to justify going back to Seattle to see the girl again.

I'd just go watch her dance again, just watch. I could touch without looking, I could be a gentleman and admire her from afar. I could do all of those things.

Of course, there was always Tanya. I couldn't just tell her I was going back to the ballet to watch some ballerina twirl her way into my heart. That definitely wouldn't go over well.

My nights continued the way they normally did, vanilla.

Nothing more than what was absolutely necessary.

Clearly our marriage was having problems, clearly we weren't meant for each other, clearly we were growing to hate each other.

Having said all of those things, I don't think either of us are willing to admit defeat to one another, both of us too stubborn to give in first.

It was a terrifying game of chicken and it scared me to the core to think about the end result. It couldn't possibly end well.

Best case scenario we mutually agree to a divorce and split our assets equally.

Worst case scenario we go through a nasty divorce that is sure to leave many people hurt in the process.

There was no way for us to win.

* * *

I woke up Sunday morning with a specific plan of action.

This plan of action including making a lengthy trip to Seattle to have a work related lunch with a potential client.

Tanya merely shrugged me off when I tried to tell her about it. It was probably for the best considering that the entire lunch was fabricated in my mind.

I even had a name ready to go if she asked. I was definitely better at lying than I should have been. I was prepared for any tiny question she could have had about how I planned to spend my day. I was almost disappointed that she didn't even ask when I would be home.

This left me driving to Seattle in a very stressed out state.

I kept glancing in the rear view mirror like some sort of criminal. Every time I saw a car coming up behind me I would start to panic that she hired a private investigator or something.

I tried to shake it off, telling myself that I wasn't even doing anything wrong.

Since when was it a crime for a grown man to go to the ballet by himself on a Sunday afternoon?

* * *

By the time the ballet was over I was reduced to nothing more than a teenage boy again.

My heart fluttered when she twirled, my eyes widened when she stretched her leg high above her head, my stomach did somersaults when she smiled.

My knees felt weak when I stood from my chair and I couldn't understand the reaction my body was having to this strange ballerina.

She was captivating me and I didn't even know her name yet.

* * *

As I was walking back out to my car I saw her standing off to the side of the parking lot, talking to a group of girls surrounding her.

In a split second I had made up my mind; it was out of my control.

I straightened my shoulders and took a deep breath before walking over to the group of giggling girls.

The group broke up after a few more minutes of conversation and she seemed to be waiting for someone, a ride maybe.

Her eyes quickly glanced to mine and then back to the ground. Her hair hung down in a dark curtain around her face.

I secretly wondered what it would be like to run my fingers through that mess, to feel it against my fingertips.

She glanced over again, her lips forming a small smile.

I smiled back at her, trying to seem friendly instead of creepy.

Her eyes stayed on mine this time, her head turning slightly to the left like a curious puppy.

She was like a timid animal, one wrong move and I'd scare her away forever. I had to be gentle with her, tame her like a wild mustang.

I took a tentative step towards her and widened my smile.

"I'm Edward..." I thrust my hand out toward her and felt myself blush when she gently shook my hand.

"Bella, Bella Swan. Nice to meet you." Her voice made a chill run through my body.

"I didn't mean to freak you out. I just loved your dancing." She nodded her head and smiled again, this time with teeth.

"It's okay, you just never know with some people." She still seemed a little suspicious.

"Yeah, so, um..." I didn't exactly have a plan, I couldn't think of what I wanted to say.

I shoved my hands into my pockets awkwardly and prayed that she wouldn't run away screaming. We maintained eye contact, waiting for one another to say something.

Normally I'd have a million different conversation starters, but with her, my mind went completely blank.

"Would you go out with me sometime?" Wow. I'm a creep.

She looked hesitant at first, but relaxed after a few minutes.

"You know what...yeah, I will." My eyes widened at her response.

"Seriously?" I wondered if maybe she thought I was kidding, or maybe she was kidding with her answer.

"Yeah." Her head bobbed up and down with her answer.

"O-Okay. Do you wanna take my number or should I take yours or..."

"I'll give you my number." I nodded my head and pulled my phone out.

I handed her the phone and waited excitedly while she punched in her number. She smiled at me again when she was finished and handed it back to me.

"So, I'll call you?" She nodded her head again and let out a nervous giggle.

"Okay, talk to you later then..." I awkwardly shook her hand goodbye and got into my car.

I watched as she got into an old beat up car a few minutes later, a young guy sitting behind the driver's seat.

They both smiled when she got in and drove away quickly.

I tossed the idea of calling her back and forth in my head. Trying to decide if it was worth the risk, if she was worth ruining my marriage.

"Of course not Edward, you love your wife." I barely recognized my own voice.

I shook my head at the irrational idea and drove out of the parking lot.

I didn't call her until the next Wednesday.

* * *

I found out a lot about her that day.

I still remember every word we spoke.

She was a twenty four year old dance major who had just started dancing at the Seattle ballet.

She lived in Portland her entire life until college.

The man in the beat up car was her best friend Jake. He'd been her best friend since the first day of high school.

Her father died the year before from stomach cancer.

Her mother still lived in Portland, alone except for the family dog.

She was an only child, and she liked it that way.

She'd taken dance classes since she was a child and she dreamed of dancing in a real ballet her whole life.

She lived in downtown Seattle.

And she did, in fact, wanna go on a date with me.

**A/N: see? The chapters are getting longer and longer. toldyaso. I just wanna say I love you all, every single one of you that's reading this right now. Even the creepers who don't review. **

**It's a slow burn at the beginning, but once they get going there'll be no stopping them. **

**Trust me:) **

**find me on twitter, let's chat. thirstykirstie. **


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: I flove my darling Madi, she does everything for me. **

**Thanks so much to my beta over on Twilighted texasprincessaurora, you can find this story over there too. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own it, I just manipulate the characters. **

**EPOV**

I was excited but nervous that she agreed to go to dinner with me on Saturday.

I was nervous for the obvious reasons, clearly what I was doing was wrong, hence my need to keep it from Tanya.

The excitement came from meeting someone new, from getting to know a woman who truly mesmerizes me in every sense of the word.

After I got off the phone with her that night I spent countless hours thinking of ways to tell Tanya, of ways to bring it up in casual conversation.

There was no way to do it. It would end in a fight and I didn't have the will or the strength to fight with her.

I wanted her to be happy, and I couldn't ruin what little happiness she had by telling her I was going to dinner with another woman.

She'd assume the worst and I wouldn't have a valid excuse to calm her down.

The ideas floating around in my mind were making it hard to pay attention at work.

Jasper was definitely having to pick up my slack, not that he'd ever say anything about it. I felt bad about putting more work on his already full list of jobs he performs for me.

Not only is he my best friend and brother in law, but he's the vice president of my company. He also personally interviews each potential employee that walks through the front door.

He does it all without a second thought and keeps his head up while doing it. I guess it's cause he found happiness in my sister, everything else is just extra to him.

* * *

There's a gentle knock on my office door and I'm jolted from my thoughts once again.

"Come in."

Bella's head pops inside my office, her eyes quickly scanning the room until they land on me.

I'm frozen in my seat. I don't think I could get my limbs or mouth to work if I wanted to.

Her face lifts into a smile when she sees me and raises her eyebrows in question.

I don't know how, but I manage to nod my head and allow her entrance.

She closes the door quietly behind her and sits down in one of the chairs across the room.

My breathing picks up and I can feel my pulse beating through my entire body. My head pounds with the blood flow and I'm given an instant migraine.

"S-Sorry, I'm just surprised to see you...here." I hope she realizes how strange it is for her to just show up at my work.

My mind is swimming with panic as to why she's here, why's she's sitting in my office, why's she's even in Forks to begin with.

"Oh, well after I got off the phone will you the other night I googled your name." She says this like it should explain everything.

My heart doesn't slow down.

I stare at her, waiting for her to continue her strange little story.

"Well, I found out that you _own _this company and yeah." She shrugs her shoulders and slips her messenger bag over her head.

She lays it on the chair next to hers and continues sizing up my office.

Her eyes slide over the paintings I have hanging on the walls and she nods her head in approval. I smile at the fact that she likes my taste in art.

Her eyes fall back to mine and her smile shows all of her teeth.

The move over the objects on my desk and land on a picture I have sitting out.

My heart stops in that moment and my voice is completely gone. My brain is screaming to get her out of here, to get her away from _that _picture.

I know she's waiting for my offer to show her the picture, to explain it to her.

She's up from her chair and walking before I can stop her.

I make no effort to snatch the picture frame from her delicate fingers. I let her look. She deserves to see who I really am.

Her eyes start down at the photograph.

Confusion makes it's way across her face and her brow furrows. Her eyes don't move away, but I see the different emotions flow through them.

"It's supposed to be a really cheesy picture." I shrug my shoulders, I have no explanation for what she's staring at.

Her eyes flick to my own and her brow furrows even further before her face breaks out into a smile.

"Cheesy?" I nod my head silently.

I'm still in shock that she's standing in front of me right now.

"It was my brother's idea. He, uh, likes stuff like that." A tiny small forms on my face when I think back to that day.

She nods her head and looks back to the picture.

"Is this your mother?" She holds the picture out so I can see who she's pointing at.

I nod when I see she is, in fact, pointing to my mother.

The hair probably gives it away.

She smiles down at the picture and nods her head silently.

"So, your brother likes to dress up like a woman?" I laugh at what she's suggesting.

"It was Halloween." I say this like it should justify why my very large brother is wearing a woman's nighty in said picture.

She throws her head back and laughs loudly. Her laugh makes me laugh some more.

"Well, we were all going to a party together and we decided we might as well dress up."

She nods her head, waiting for me to continue.

"My brother, Emmett, bought us all our costumes. We had no control over what we were wearing that night." I smile to myself at Emmett tactics on getting us to wear the ridiculous costumes he brought home last minute.

She lays the picture down on my desk and throws herself into the chair sitting in front of my desk.

"So, what do you do all day?" She sounds like a little kid.

"Well, I sit in meetings until lunch time and then I do paperwork usually." She nods her head, staring right into my eyes.

"Sounds pretty boring." Her eyes stay locked to mine, a silent conversation.

"Sometimes." I shrug my shoulders again.

I run my fingers through my hair and her eyes shoot to the top of my head.

She bites the inside of her lip and there's a twitch in my pants that I can't control.

Her eyes burn into mine and I have no idea what to say to make things normal again.

She stands and I think she's going to leave but she walks around my desk instead.

I tried and hide the bulge in my pants but I know she sees it.

I look up into her eyes when she stands next to me and they're narrowed slightly.

Her scent washes over me and the bulge in my pants only grows.

She smells like nothing I've ever smelled before. She smells sweet and good, and it all just seems so right.

When she leans down I don't pull away.

When she kisses me, I kiss her back. And I enjoy it.

My chair spins so I'm facing her and she's straddling my lap before I realize what this means for me.

We're nothing but hair and lips and hands grabbing each other in parts that haven't been touched by a woman in too long.

She's moaning and writhing on my lap and it's not helping the bulge any.

I push myself up into her and I can almost feel the warmth through my pants.

It's right there and all I would have to do was just slip her jeans down her legs.

I don't though.

I pull away from her gently and hold her face in my hands.

Her forehead rests against mine and we pant into each others mouths.

I stare into her eyes and wish I could do this with her all day long.

She slides herself off on my lap and straightens her shirt where it's bunched up around her bra.

I watch while she fixes all the tiny details that would normally reveal what we were doing.

She grabs her bag from the other side of the room and slips it over her head.

She places one tiny kiss on corner of my mouth.

"See you on Saturday." I nod my head in agreement.

**A/N: So whatcha think? Are you hating it? Loving it? Tell me! I will be doing a BPOV, but not for a few more chapters. **

**I'm hosting a o/s contest about losing your virginity. The deadline is the 31st of July. You should all check it out. popmycherry(dot)blogspot(dot)com**

**Find me on twitter, thirstykirstie. Or the link is on my profile. **


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: A lot of you thought the sudden make out session was very out of context. Everything is gonna seem really strange until we get to know Bella.** **Stay with me. **

**If you haven't noticed yet, I'm trying to post on a schedule. Every Tuesday. Teasers will be posted on The Fictionators blog every Monday if you're interested. **

**Madi, love you always. Thanks to texasauroraprincess for being my beta over on twilighted.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own it.**

**EPOV**

The shock of Bella being here wore off a few minutes after she walked out the door. I spent the rest of my workday making sure there was no evidence left behind for Tanya to find.

My drive home is the same as ever, except now my hands are sweating from my nerves.

I'm scared she'll know, that she'll have some sort of sensory system that will alert her that my lips have, in fact, been on another woman.

I walk into my house and stop short at the kitchen island.

She's made dinner.

It's already been put away.

She's made me a plate and covered it with tin foil.

I walk around the house until I've checked all the rooms. She's nowhere to be found and I start to panic.

My emotions can't seem to keep up with the situation because I'm on the verge of throwing up when I see the note hanging on the fridge.

In her perfect script is a note explaining her absence. She's gone to her parent's house again, she'll be home late.

Don't wait up.

I pull it down and crush it in my fist.

The anger I have for this woman surfaces and all I want to do is hit something. Somebody.

I toss the paper into the trash and peek under the tin foil.

Cold chicken alfredo.

I remove the foil before heating it up in the microwave.

While the food cooks I think about why I can't just appreciate the fact that she made me dinner. Even if she's not here to share it with me.

I scarf down the food and end the night with half a bottle of wine.

I pass out around one in the morning, Tanya nowhere in sight.

I pick up my phone in my usual fashion.

I'm at work on a Saturday evening.

I'm supposed to be meeting Bella for dinner later.

"Edward Cullen." My voice has taken on the business m

"Hello Edward." It's Tanya.

My stomach drops.

She knows.

"Oh hey." I try to be more friendly, more...personal.

"Sorry to interrupt you." It's awkward.

Neither of us know how to have a conversation anymore.

"No, no. You weren't interrupting. Is there something you needed?"

"I'm just letting you know that I have to fly out tomorrow night." I hang my head in disappointment, of course she's leaving.

"For how long?" I sound angry, I try not to though.

"Four days." Her voice snaps at me and I know I've pissed her off.

Great.

"Okay. I'll fix my schedule accordingly."

"Okay, thanks."

The line goes dead.

I've definitely pissed her off.

On my way out of work I debate whether I should just cancel with Bella and spend the night with Tanya before she leaves.

I barely see her as it is, let alone with Bella in the picture.

My mind jumps back and forth, finally settling on dinner with Bella.

I can't find it in myself to cancel on her.

I tell myself that we need to talk, that I need to tell her about Tanya.

I tell myself that I'll tell Tanya tonight when I get home.

I tell myself all these things and know their lies.

And I wonder when I started lying so much, when I stopped being genuine.

My thoughts trail off when I get to Seattle.

I drive through the rain soaked city until I'm pulling up to an italian restaurant that Bella suggested.

I pull my suit jacket on, just in case it's formal attire.

I tell the hostess my name and she escorts me to a table in the center of the room.

"I was wondering if I could get something a little more...private."

She nods her head like she's heard it all before.

I briefly wonder how many married men she's seem walk through those doors to meet their mistress.

She seats me at a table in the far corner, there aren't any occupied tables near me.

Secluded.

Perfect for telling your wannabe girlfriend that you're actually married.

I order a bottle of wine and drink it slowly while I wait for her.

I see her come in a few minutes later.

Her smile is bright and her hair is wet from the rain.

She removes her long coat and hands it to the hostess.

She's wearing a black dress and tall heels.

I can't help but think about how sexy she is without even trying.

It's effortless for her.

Her eyes scan the room until she spots me, her cheeks tinge pink with her blush.

It's endearing.

I stand when she gets to the table, pulling her chair out for her.

The waiter fills her glass halfway and leaves us with menus.

"You look lovely."

She smiles widely.

"Thank you. You look pretty great yourself."

We order when the waiter returns and discuss our weeks while we wait for the food to arrive.

She talks animatedly about the ballet and upcoming shows she'll be performing in.

The conversation flows freely and I can't think of one single thing we don't talk about.

Well, maybe one or two.

I decide to bring up Tanya when she's about halfway through her dish.

She's on her second glass of wine and I can definitely see how much it's affecting her.

Her chest is flushed red and she has a smile permanent etched on her face.

"Bella, there's something I should tell you before we continue."

She nods her head for me to continue.

"First, I just want to apologize for not telling you sooner."

She waits patiently.

"I'm, uh...I'm married."

Her eyes widen and then narrow instantly.

"What do you mean?"

I can see the anger and hurt swimming in her eyes, she's practically drowning in it.

"I'm married."

"I heard you the first time." Her tone is clipped.

"I'm so sorry, I never meant for it to turn out like this, you have to know that."

I start to panic thinking she won't want anything to do with me.

"Like, married married? You guys still live together? You're not separated or whatever?"

The guilt is overwhelming.

"We still live together, in Forks."

Her tongue darts out and licks at the corner of her mouth.

She looks like someone just slapped her across the face.

She pulls her napkin out of her lap and throws it down onto the table.

I glance around and see that the majority of the restaurant is empty.

"You know, for once, just once in my entire life I though I found a good guy. You're nice, handsome, you have a _great_ job."

It's almost like she's talking to herself, but she's directing her sentences to me.

"I don't even know what to say to you."

Now she looks into my eyes and holds my gaze.

"I don't know if I can walk away from you."

Her voice is tiny now, it's lost the edge.

The anger is gone, now she's just hurt.

"I don't know if I want you to walk away."

For the first time in a long time, my voice is my own.

I recognize this person, this desperate man that wants her in a way I shouldn't ever be allowed to have her.

I know in my heart I will though.

If she'll have me.

"People will get hurt."

It's a warning, it's me telling her not to start something unless she's willing to finish it.

"I don't know if I care anymore."

Her eyes burn into mine and it's an intensity I've never felt before.

It's raw.

"I'm going to leave now..."

My stomach drops and I know she deserves more than I can give her.

"...I need some time to think, I'll call you."

She stands from the table and walks away, stopping to pick her jacket up before leaving the restaurant completely.

I sit there for another half an hour, going through the conversation over and over again in my mind.

I can't understand why she would ever want me now, but maybe it's not something I should try to understand.

Maybe, for once, I should just let things play out the way they were meant to.

**A/N: I love every single one of you. Even the lurkers.**

**Find me on twitter, thirstykirstie. Let's be friends:)**

**I'm hosting a o/s contest about losing your virginity. It ends on the 31st of July. You can find more information here- www(dot)popmycherrycontest(dot)blogspot(dot)com**


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: Madi, you've heard it all before. What can I say? You da fuckin best.**

**I'm posting on a schedule now, every Tuesday. Look for a teaser on The Fictionators blog. If you don't have the link, pm me and I'll give it to you.**

**Thanks to texasauroraprincess over at Twilighted.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. You, however, own me.**

**BPOV**

I couldn't get Edward out of my mind.

I thought about him constantly, I even had dreams about him.

I could never escape from the bright green eyes staring back at me that night.

There was a fire that simmered below the surface. Just waiting, begging to be released.

It got to me, weakened my resolve.

It was the same fire I could see burning in my own eyes.

I let the fire take over sometimes.

When I dance.

It burns through my veins like gasoline.

I wonder if Edward ever gets to feel it, if he ever succumbs to the inferno inside of him.

I want to see that fire, I want to feel it surround me.

I know that if I give in, if I let myself have him, I'll never be able to turn back.

That thought alone terrifies me.

He's not in the plan.

The plan.

Graduate high school. Go to college. Dance for a major company in Seattle. Go to New York.

It could ruin my life.

_Or be everything you've ever wanted. Needed._

It could ruin his life.

_Or save him from himself._

It could ruin _her _life.

I couldn't debate that one, even with myself.

My phone beeps.

It's a text from Jake, he's on his way to pick me up.

I pull my practice shoes off my feet and wince when I see the amount of blisters I have.

I need to take a break from the everyday practicing.

I'm going to be sore for the next show.

Angela is taking her shoes off next to me.

"What's going on?"

I glance over to her.

"What do you mean?"

"I can tell there's something on your mind, what's going on?"

"Just guy stuff." I try to be vague. She doesn't look like she's buying it.

"Like what?" She's persistent and I can't help but think it might be good for me to talk about things with someone.

"His name is Edward."

She giggles. I smile.

"He's...he's married." The words are out of my mouth before I can stop them.

She's gaping now.

"Married?"

I nod.

"Whoa."

I nod again.

"I'm not seeing him or anything, he just...he's shown an interest in...getting to know me."

It's her turn to nod.

"And what did you say?"

I try to think of the right answer, but I have no idea what that is.

"I told him I needed some time to think."

She nods again.

"Well, do you think you're going to see him again?"

I'm silent for a minute while I think of my response.

"I don't know yet. I don't know that much about him, but there's definitely something there."

"Something?" Her voice is questioning and I know she doesn't approve of this.

"It just feels different, it feels like I'm on fire whenever I'm around him."

"So, you'll see him again." It's a statement this time.

I think she just made my decision for me.

I'm silent beside her.

She rubs the soles of her feet.

More silence.

"You don't have to explain yourself to me Bella, I'm not judging you."

I nod.

"And it's like, if you meet the person you were meant to be with, and they're already married, what are you supposed to do?"

I nod again. She's reading my mind.

I slide on a pair of flip flops and wave goodbye to the other girls.

"Thanks for letting me vent."

She nods and smiles.

"Anytime."

I walk out of the building and Jake is already there.

I get in and his smile is small.

"What's wrong?"

"Just stuff with Leah."

I nod.

I know he doesn't wanna talk about it, if he did, he'd be talking right now.

The car ride is silent until we get to my apartment.

He drops me off in front of the door, as always.

He doesn't offer a goodbye.

"See ya tomorrow?"

He nods.

I grab his chin and swivel his face so his eyes meet mine.

"Are you okay?"

His eyes move to my mouth and he nods his head.

"What's going on? Talk to me."

He let's out a long sigh and I let go of his chin.

"I just don't want her anymore."

This takes me by surprise. They always seem happy.

I wait for him to continue.

"I just...I can't do it anymore. I can't keep this up."

I raise my eyebrows, he hasn't been telling me something.

"We fight constantly, we're fighting right now."

I nod.

"Are you sure this isn't something that you'll get over in a few hours?"

I test the waters.

I know I'm being a little rude, but they're always fighting and making up. I can barely keep up sometimes.

"I'm sure." His voice sounds sure.

I search his eyes for any sign that this isn't for real.

"What are you gonna do?"

He shrugs his shoulders.

"I think I'm gonna tell her when I get home."

I nod.

I feel like a bobble head tonight.

"If you need me just call, I'll be up for a while anyway."

He nods this time.

I reach my body across the shifter to wrap my arms around his neck.

He hugs be back and I think I hear him sniffle.

Any trace of his crying is gone when I pull away.

He smiles again and I get out of the car.

I unlock my door and immediately start filling my tub.

I add a ton of bath salts and sit on the edge while it continues to fill.

I think about Edward again.

My conversation with Jake is about the longest I've gone all week without thinking about him.

I think about my talk with Angela and wonder if I should call him now.

As soon as the thought passes through my mind I'm of the tub and running for my bag.

I search through all my junk until I find my phone at the bottom.

I open it up and go through my contacts until I find his name.

My finger lingers on the green button and I know that this is the turning point.

This is going to change everything.

My entire life will be different.

My finger twitches towards the key.

My heart wants it, wants him.

My brain is telling me to be cautious, to think about it some more.

I hear the ringing on the other end before I realize I've pushed the button.

It's rings three times and there's a muffled voice.

"Hello?" His voice is hoarse from sleep.

I clear my throat.

"Edward?" My voice is shaky, nervous.

"Yeah?"

"It's Bella...Bella Swan."

It feels like there's a frog in my throat.

"Bella?"

I nod and then realize he can't see me.

"Yeah, it's me."

"Uh, how are you?" There's more rustling around.

"I'm okay, how are you?"

"I'm good." His voice is clear now, he sounds like himself.

"I was just wondering if you'd like to go to dinner again sometime."

It's word vomit and I can't control it.

There's a short pause.

"You want to go out with me again?"

"Yes." My voice is small.

We both know what this means.

**A/N: This one's a little shorter, but I thought this was a good place to end it. This was almost a Tanya pov, but I know you're all dying to know what Bella's thinking.**

**Thank you so much to everyone who's reading and reviewing this.**

**Find me on twitter, thirstykirstie.**

**So, tell me how you feel about these two.**


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: If you haven't noticed so far, I'm posting this every Tuesday. You can look for a teaser on The Fictionators blog.**

**Madi, I love you. That is all.**

**Thanks to texasauroraprincess over at Twilighted.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own it.**

**BPOV**

I tell Edward I'll see him again.

He's quiet on the other end of the line and it scares me.

I wonder if this isn't what he wanted, if I'm assuming something. But I know, I know he wanted it the other night, I know he wanted something with me.

Whether or not that something is a relationship, I have no idea.

That's the issue. I can't read his mind and he's taking too long on the other end. My stomach starts to roll and I think for a few moments that I'm gonna be sick.

He's holding his cards close to his chest and it's starting to really tick me off.

I snap.

"Listen Edward, I don't know what you want, but I can definitely tell you that I'm not going to wait around for you to decide."

My voice is firm and I hope he knows that this isn't just some joke to me.

_He's _not a joke to me.

All I can hear on the other end is his breathing, and even that is barely audible.

"I'm sorry Bella, you just..you, uh, caught me off guard. I thought for sure that you'd never want to speak to me again after our dinner."

I let out a long breath, not even _I _know why I want to continue this relationship.

"I don't understand what I'm feeling for you, but I want to at least try." I know in my heart that if I walk away from this I'll probably never feel anything like it ever again.

He clears his throat.

"I know what you mean. I, uh...should we, uh, go to dinner again?"

He's awkward now and I know that this isn't something he's done before. This is as new for him as it is for me and I know that if we're really going to do this, if we're really going to try and get to know each other better, then we need to help each other through this.

"Yeah, that sounds great. Can I text you?"

I wonder if this sounds normal, if this is something normal we should be doing. I reason to myself that I can be friends with him right now, that we aren't doing anything wrong.

I tell myself that this can be innocent, that we can be friends and that's all.

I know I'm lying even as I chant it over and over in my mind.

"Yeah, you can text me anytime, I always have my phone on me."

I tell him I will and hang the phone up.

I spend the next hour sitting in my tub while I continue to rewarm the water every 15 minutes. By the time I'm finished my bathroom is steamy and I'm ready for bed.

My head rests on my pillow and I can't get brain to shut down enough for me to pass out. I lay in bed thinking mostly about the show this weekend and what I need to do to prepare.

I know that the directors are going to be working in a few new guys this week and I say a silent prayer that they aren't completely hopeless. I really don't feel like getting dropped on my ass by some random guy who doesn't know what a proper lift looks like.

I know I shouldn't be so hard on the new kids, but I can't stop myself from rolling my eyes at the lack of maturity. I swear, sometimes I wonder why they would pursue a career in dance if they aren't going to take it seriously.

My eyes start to drift closed and I give in to the sleep that's threatened to pull me under since practice earlier.

I give myself a break from Edward on Sunday and try to focus on my dancing. I end up spending the entire day frustrated with myself over my lack of focus.

On Monday, I'm at the studio most of the day. I spend hours watching my form in the mirror. My focus is back and I can feel the fire in my bones.

I finish up and I'm sweating, I wipe it off with my shirt and chug a bottle of water until it's empty.

I chat with some of the girls while I wait for Jake to get here.

He's running late and it's not like him. I keep checking my phone every thirty seconds to make sure I don't miss a text from him.

I finally hear the sound of his car pulling in the parking lot. When I see his face my smile falls and I don't know what could ever make him look _this _bad.

His eyes are drooping and I wonder if he's about to fall asleep behind the wheel.

I wave goodbye to the girls and get in the car. I stare over at him and he doesn't offer any explanation. I lean forward in my seat to try and get a better view of his face, he turns away.

I have no idea what could ever make him this angry or sad or whatever it is he's feeling right now, but I can almost guarantee that it has everything to do with Leah.

"What's going on?"

He puts the car into drive and pulls out onto the street.

The roads are wet from the recent rain storm and I listen to the sound of the tires moving through the puddles.

I stay silent for a few minutes and then try again.

"Please talk to me, you're scaring the shit out of me."

He glances at me briefly and then his eyes are back on the road.

There's a red light in front of us and the street is empty around us. We're close to my building and I know he needs to talk about it before I go upstairs.

"Is it Leah?"

His eyes meet mine and I can see the tears pooling in the corners, it's a matter of moments before he's a broken mess on my shoulder.

He sobs into me and I can't think of a time when I've seen his this torn up, not even when his dad died two summers ago.

His eyes meet mine again and he wipes his face with the back of his hand.

"Leah's pregnant." His voice is low and rough from crying.

I stare at him some more and he keeps going.

"She's seven weeks along..she thinks."

I'm shocked but only a little bit, he never was the most responsible kid.

I don't know what this means for him and I can't find the words to ask.

I stare some more and he picks at his fingernails.

"Well, I'm pretty sure she needs to schedule a doctor's appointment to go get checked." She probably already knows this but I'm pretty sure he has no idea what to do.

"It could've been a false positive or something..." I trail off, I have no idea what to say to him.

He looks over at me again and his eyes are sad. I've never seen him so broken and my heart breaks a little for him.

He's so young, even younger than me. I know he definitely wasn't wanting this with Leah, and he's definitely the kind of guy that will marry her cause she's having his kid.

He pulls up in front of my building and his eyes are on mine again.

I rest my head on his shoulder and tell him everything positive I know about children. I tell him how great he'll be with a kid and that this could be the best thing that ever happens to him.

I hope he listens and believes what I'm saying.

I give him a hug and then go inside.

I don't bother with a shower tonight. Instead, I pull out the bottle of wine I'd been saving and open it up. I pour myself a glass and watch tv for a little while.

Halfway through a lifetime movie my phone vibrates from the kitchen counter.

I debate leaving it for the morning but get up and get it anyway.

I flip it open and see Edward's name on my home screen.

I open the message and my heart pounds roughly in my chest.

_**Hey, how are you? -Edward**_

It's simple but it's still something, I text him back.

_**I'm okay, just having a glass of wine in front of the tv.**_

I take my phone with me and zone back in to the movie.

A few minutes later I get another text.

_**Sounds better than what I'm doing. -Edward**_

_**Oh yeah, what are you doing?;)**_

I picture him in my head and imagine him sitting by the fire with his wife, laughing with her about something that happened at the office today.

_**At the office still. -Edward**_

I wonder why he isn't at home, why he isn't there holding her in his arms and running his fingers through her hair. I wonder why he doesn't want any of that with her anymore.

_**Aww, I wish I was there to keep you company.**_

I know that it's a little flirty, but I can't help myself.

_**Me too. -Edward**_

I wonder when the last time he had sex with his wife was. I wonder when the last time she went to his office and seduced him in the middle of the day.

I wonder if she knows what she's missing when he's stuck late at work and I feel sorry for her if she doesn't.

I wonder if she see's the fire in his eyes, if she can see it lingering under the surface. How could you miss it? How could she ignore the burning?

Most of all, I wonder who she is. I wonder what she looks like and what her voice sounds like.

I take another sip of my wine and send him another text.

_**Another time maybe?**_

I stare at the TV while I think of him and what exactly this relationship could transform into.

I feel my phone vibrate and flip it open.

_**Definitely. -Edward**_

I smile to myself and close my phone, I'm done texting for the night.

I go to bed after an hour of watching a bad sitcom.

**TPOV**

Monday night is the same as always and I spend the majority of it in my office. I go over various marketing reports and try to pay attention to every tiny detail.

I know I'm killing time. I know he's sitting on the couch downstairs. I know he has a glass of wine in his hand and I know that he's probably close to finishing the bottle.

I work until I can't possible continue to stare at my computer screen.

I leave my office and head straight to the bedroom. I shave and shower before slipping into my pajamas and getting in the bed.

I lay in bed watching a movie for awhile, I fall asleep halfway through.

I'm jostled awake by his movements. He's getting into bed.

My eyes shoot to the alarm clock and I see that's it's nearly three in the morning.

Typical.

I stay still and hope he thinks I'm still asleep. He doesn't move to wake me and I know he's not even going to try tonight.

I lay there until I hear his breathing deepen and I know he's fallen back to sleep.

I eventually drift back to sleep.

I wake up with the alarm and get out of bed quickly.

I set the alarm for him and glance over at his sleeping form. The only movement is the rising and falling of his chest from breathing.

I can see his chest hair poking out from under the sheet. It looks soft and I almost get back into bed and run my fingers through it.

I know he'd be willing, I know as soon as I want it he'll give it to me.

I walk away.

I fix my hair and makeup before getting dressed.

I hear the coffee pot in the kitchen coming to life with the automatic alarm. I pour myself a mug and sit at the kitchen island while I drink it.

I make a mental note that I want to check into getting new window treatments for the living room. They could definitely use it.

I try to remember when the last time I bought something new for the house. I can't remember and it makes me sad.

I sit there and mope some more before it's time for me to leave.

I shut the coffee pot off before I walk out the door. I can hear him moving around upstairs already.

I don't say goodbye. I just leave.

I drive to work and listen to the radio, I sing along when I know the words.

I forget about home and start to think about work and everything I need to get done today.

My brain is in work mode by the time I pull up to the building. I park in my usual spot and go inside.

Garrett is waiting inside the door and he has a Starbucks cup in his hand.

I smile at him and say thank you. He smiles back and I realize that he's probably the only friend I have.

I go into my office and close the door behind me.

I let out a breath and it's like home to me.

I get comfortable before I start going through all the new emails I have. I reply back to most and by the time I'm done it's close to ten.

Garrett knocks on the door and reminds me of a meeting I have in an hour.

I bury myself in work until eleven rolls around and I drop everything.

I shake every man's hand firmly and show them that I mean business.

We go over countless documents and I follow the conversation closely.

This is what I live for.

I need them to take me seriously. I need them to know that I don't fuck around when it comes to my job.

It feels great to have them hang on every word that comes out of my mouth like it's coming from God himself.

**A/N: Okay, so you got a little glimpse of Tanya in there. Let me know whatcha think.**

**Find me on twitter, thirstykirstie **


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: to everyone who's reading this, thank you. You'll never know how much it really means to me. **

**Madi, you're so much more than a beta. But you already know that:) **

**Disclaimer: I don't own it. **

**EPOV **

_**-**__flashback-_

It's two weeks after my high school graduation.

We're on our way to La Push with my family. I glance in the rear view mirror and see Emmett's jeep following behind me.

I'm driving, she's sitting next to me. And it's like my world isn't even my own, it's like my world is sitting in the passenger seat with her.

At this moment, I can't imagine spending a single moment of my life without her. I can't imagine waking up to hair that isn't wild and red.

My hand rests on the stick shift, hers is sitting high on my thigh.

Her touch burns directly through my thin swimming suit and my skin aches to be against hers.

I don't know if I could ever fit with someone more perfectly that I am right now, I don't know if two people could ever fit together so completely perfectly.

My body could never work with another body the way it works with hers. My lips could never feel as right as they do when they're against hers.

We're all in the water, smiling and splashing each other.

My mom sits on the beach and watches for awhile, then she can't resist it anymore and she joins us.

Alice bounces a beach ball back and forth with Jasper. She wins their little game and he lets her climb on top of his shoulders to shout her victory to the world.

Rosalie refuses to get her hair wet and keeps threatening Emmett's life if he splashes her. I see the look on her face, but I also see the smile she has when he splashes her a tiny bit. He winks at her and the smile only gets wider.

She's right next to me and her closeness is making me ache for her. Her hand sits in mine and my fingertips casually stroke the outside of her thigh. The skin there is smooth and pale from the lack of sun and exposure.

Her hair is a mess on the top of her head, curly and dark from the water.

I try to smooth out my own hair and fail horribly, it hangs in my eyes and I give up.

Then she's in front of me and her fingers are running through my hair. I can feel her nails against my scalp and I lean even further into her touch.

My chest bumps against hers and she lets out a little whimper. My eyes travel down to find cloth covered flesh and two very visible peaks.

My hands come up slowly and they fit perfectly against her, my thumbs coming out to brush over her sensitive skin.

I wrap my arms around her waist and walk farther into the water. I stop when the water is just under her bikini top.

I pull her body to my own and relish the feeling of her curves against me. Her mouth is hot next to mine and it takes everything I have not to press my lips to hers.

The water moves around us gently and my eyes never leave hers. We're trapped in our own little bubble of time and I am so in love with this girl.

"Edward, we need to talk." I hear her words but my brain can't comprehend what this could possibly mean.

All I can think is that she's about to leave me for some college guy who smells like cheap beer and bad cologne.

"O-okay, do you wanna come over?"

"I was actually wondering if you wanted to meet me at the beach."

"Yeah, sure." This isn't our usually banter and it makes me even more nervous for what's coming.

"I'm on my way there now."

"Okay. I'll leave right now." I grab my keys and practically sprint to my car.

I'm driving to fast and I know I should slow down but I can't get to the beach fast enough. Everything inside of me tells me to turn around and go back home. My gut is telling me that I can't take this, that I can't take the rejection. My heart fights against it and tells me that I know her better than that, that we have something special.

I park in my usual space and jog to where she's laid out on a beach towel.

Her skin is shiny from her tanning spray and my brain trails off to thoughts of shiny, sticky skin and what we've done every night since we graduated.

I can't see her eyes through her sunglasses and it makes me even more nervous. I need those eyes, I need them to pull me back into reality.

She pulls them away from her face and it's like she can read my mind. She smiles, it's small and doesn't reach her eyes the way I want it too.

Her eyes are red rimmed and blood shot.

She sits up and pats the area next to her on the towel. I sit down next to her and it's like everything is moving in slow motion while I wait for her to start talking.

I reach out slowly and run my thumb under her eye. The skin there is swollen from crying and I try to fix it with the pad of thumb.

A tear slides down her cheek and my heart feels like it's about to beat right out of my chest.

It's like I can feel it coming, like my body knows before she even starts speaking.

"I'm pregnant."

Everything stops around us and it's just me and her and now there's one more person in our bubble. I can't speak or say anything. A million thoughts run through my mind and I can barely comprehend that I need to say something to her, I need to be comforting her right now.

I pull her into my arms and cradle her like she's a child. My hand smooths back the hair that's in her face and I see something in her that I never saw before.

There's something there in her eyes that looks bright and new and hopeful.

I don't say anything, I have no words.

She cries and I keep holding her.

We spend two weeks talking about everything we want out of this life. We spend barely any time apart and I can't run my hand over her flat stomach enough.

I convince her that we need to tell my dad at least, she's nervous and can't be in the same room when I finally tell him.

He takes it well and doesn't even lecture me on the importance of safe sex. Instead, he turns his focus to getting her checked and on the necessary vitamins.

He convinces me that I have to tell my mother and I agree, it's definitely not fair to keep something this huge from her.

I sit her down the next day and tell her.

She cries and tells me she loves me.

"What do you mean?" My voice quivers and I can feel the tears flooding my eyes.

"Son, I'm so sorry." My father's hand sits on my shoulder and I let myself cry into his shirt.

She's waiting with my mother outside the door and I can't find it in myself to go out there. I can't be the one to take this away from her.

My father eventually brings her in. I sit in the chair next to her and hold her hand while he explains everything to her.

Tears keep falling down my cheeks and I keep catching them with the back of my hand.

He tells her about the complications some girls have when trying to conceive children.

He tells her that this is extremely common and that there are other options. _Other _options.

He tells her all about adoption and surrogate pregnancy's. She nods her head in all the right places and I can see the sadness in her eyes. I can see the total disappointment swallow her whole and I honestly don't know if I'll be able to pull her out of it.

I can see all of the hope leave her eyes, a new emotion broods under the surface and I can't quite figure it out yet.

When we leave my dad's office I wrap my arm around her waist and let her lean into my body. I let my body support her weight in a way that I know she needs right now.

I know she needs something that no one can give her. No one can give her back what she just lost, not even me.

My mom is there when we leave and she's crying right along with her. I know she'll go tear for tear with her because she knows that pain, she knows what it's like to have something like that ripped away from you in a mere instant.

Nothing is the same as it was. It won't ever be the same again.

I try to tell myself that we can come back from this, that we can be normal again. I tell myself that all she needs is a little time, just a few months to get back to where she was before all of this.

Her eyes are never bright anymore, they're never happy or sad or anything really. She's a blank slate now and I don't know how to fix it.

I try everything.

We take a vacation. We go to California and we go to the real beach and there's not even a glimpse of light in her eyes the whole time.

I feel the distance between us and I wonder if it will ever go away, if we'll ever go back to the way it was before.

I think I would do anything to have that back, to have the passion and fire and the burning again.

My world seems to dissolve around me.

It's two weeks before we're supposed to leave for college. We're supposed to be finding an apartment and buying everything we'll need for the year.

Instead, we're fighting.

We're fighting and yelling and her fists are hitting my chest while I try to hold her.

It's been so long since I felt her, I mean really _felt _her. It's like she's there, but she's not there. She present, but she's always lost in her own mind, always deep in thought.

I see the resentment she has, I just can't seem to figure out which one of us it's for.

My heart tells me it's me, that she hates me now. She hates me for doing all of this to her, for being the one to give her hope in the first place.

"I can't keep doing this, I can't keep living like this." My voice is quivering and I know I'm on the verge of tears. Again.

"What do you mean?" Her eyes meet mine and I stare into them and search. I search for everything I lost when we lost the baby.

I don't find it. I tell myself I will, I can, if I search hard enough.

I know she's in there somewhere, under all the sad and grief and anger.

"I can't keep fighting with you like this, it's not healthy for either of us." She knows what I'm saying is true, there's no way we can continue like this.

"You're leaving me?" I can see the tears now, they're falling down her cheeks.

"I-I need you to help me, okay? I need you to at least try and help me make this work." I'm pleading with her. I'm begging her to give me something, anything.

She's quiet and I know she's working up the courage to say whatever she's got to say.

"Okay." Her voice is small and I wonder if she's just saying this to get me to calm down, if she's just trying to make me happy.

We find an apartment, we get our schedules, we start school.

She throws herself into it full force.

I've never seen her so driven or passionate about anything, not even us.

It hurts to see her care about something so much when she can't even put in the effort to make us a normal couple again.

She spends every day at the library, studying or doing research for a paper she's writing. I can't keep up with her and eventually we stop going together.

I make friends that she never meets and they ask whether or not I've made her up.

I spend an entire year getting to know her again. It's like she's a completely different person from the girl I knew before.

The light never comes back. Her eyes never get bright.

But she's still beautiful, she's still irresistible.

I just can't let go, I can't get over it.

I don't know what it is, I can't understand it. But it's there, and it's strong. Stronger than me.

I tell myself it isn't right, that I should give it some more time. My heart doesn't listen though.

My heart tells me that this is it, that this is the girl I'm going to spend the rest of my life with.

My heart tells me that I could never leave her after everything we've been through, my heart tells me I'm not man enough to say how I'm really feeling.

My heart tells me that I can't break her heart, that I can't take this away from her too.

I listen.

I buy a ring.

I propose.

When I'm on my knee in front of her she looks happy, she looks relieved, she looks like the girl I knew before.

I ignore the bad feeling in the pit of my stomach.

We get married a year later.

**A/N: So there's a little bit of a back story, for everyone who's wondering what they were like before. **

**Find me on twitter, thirstykirstie. **

**Tell me whatcha think. **


End file.
